The Twelfth Cup // Food for Thought

Here is a food for thought: How do we know if he/she is the one?

The golden question. But, so far there is no single formula applicable to everyone. Each of us is unique and different, that's what makes relationship unique because it consists of two different people.

Before getting the golden question answered, we should ask ourself, "What is Love?"

Some of us will answer that love is a feeling that appears out of nowhere in the least expected way. Well, if love appears out of nowhere in the least expected way, can that love disappears out of nowhere too? Because apparently, we don't know where it came from.

Another will answer that love is a feeling, we can't choose whom we love but in the end we just know that we love him/her. Really? When we say we can't choose, we have actually chosen. Think about it. Let's say, we are in the fish market. There are so many fishes, we are confused and we can't choose. But at some point, we bring a bag of fish. Isn't it funny if we tell someone "Hey I have a bag of fish but I didn't choose this."? Even if it was given, we still choose – we choose to receive it.

Quoting from C.S Lewis from his book – Mere Christianity, he said, "Another notion we get from novels and plays is that "falling in love" is something quite irresistible; something that just happens to one, like measles. And because they believe this, some married people throw up the sponge and give in when they find themselves attracted by a new acquaintance. But I am inclined to think that these irresistible passions are much rarer in real life than in books, at any rate when one is grown up. When we meet someone beautiful and clever, and sympathetic, of course we ought, in one sense, to admire and love these good qualities. But is it not very largely in our own choice whether this love shall, or shall not, turn into what we call "being in love"?"

With love being irresistible, then we like to use the phrase "Love is Blind". Is love really blind? No, it is just an excuse when we are way too comfortable with someone but we know he/she isn't the best for us.

When it comes to love, we will always think it as a noun. Our answer to "What is Love?" is usually feeling-related. Sometimes we forget that feeling is vulnerable and can't help us choose something wisely. That is why, finding the one based on our feeling isn't the best standard and we need the help of our clear mind.

Back to the golden question. How do we know if he/she is the one?

1. For singles

Make a list of standard with your clear mind before involve with anyone and always pray to God. As we get closer to the opposite sex, we have tendency to let feelings involved so quickly. To prevent us from not seeing things clearly, go back to our standard list and start checking. But, nobody's perfect and that person may not get all the list checked. It doesn't mean that he/she is not the one. Check the list again and see whether the unchecked lists are major or minor issues. Major issues are usually he/she must love God whole-heartedly and have the same vision. Minor issues are usually his/her physical look, job/passion, certain character (as long as the character isn't abusive, it can still be considered minor). While doing all of that, remember to keep praying. God always guides His children.

Don't forget that relationship is a work in progress. Both of us would go through some process again, it consists two different people after all. Therefore, setting your standard is really important. To find someone who is willing to hold your hand and ready to go through the process together.

2. For couples / engaged couples

We might have already gotten too comfortable with our fiancé, but if he/she doesn't love God and doesn't live up to the Bible's standard, it is not too late. Like the 2 Cor 6:14, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?". Marriage is not easy and it comes with conflict. If both of us aren't using the same Bible as a standard, how can we solve an issue? Marriage is once in a lifetime, better late than sorry. When choosing our life partner, we can't depend on love as a noun.

3. For married couples

Remember Matthew 19:6, "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.". God's help is always on time, keep praying for your spouse. When it seems that we didn't find the one, BE the one for our spouse. Start practicing Proverbs 31 (man can also try this though), knowing your function (as a husband or wife), and let God do the rest. Because love is also a verb. When it is a verb, love is all about serving others. It is not selfish, but it is selfless.


In the end, we don't find the one but we CHOOSE who is the one for us. Love may be a noun, but love is also a verb.

---

Personally, finding the one isn't easy. As year goes by, some people are letting themselves choose what's left instead of what's right. But God's children is unlike some people. His time might be different from mine because maybe I am not ready yet or he is not ready yet. But I still believe in His perfect timing and yes, His timing may come unexpectedly. Having the standard list for the past 9 years and keep praying on it has never gone to waste. Knowing if he is the one, other than getting my list checked, is both of us are willing to work the relationship together and he doesn't quit when conflict arise. Finding the one is one thing, but finding the one who stay is another.